What to Say to Someone Who Has Hurt You Deeply
"To go something you never had, you accept to exercise something you never did." -Unknown
For many years I maintained a human relationship that I was not happy with. I'm sure a lot of people take been at that place, or are at that place right now. I didn't feel there was equality in the human relationship; I always seemed to be the one giving, yet I consistently felt I was getting nothing out of it.
A close friend of mine asked me why I tolerated the behavior of the person in question.
Every bit usual, a few excuses passed through my mind: the other person was going through a rough time; I felt I should exist in that location for them; they probably wouldn't respond to how I was feeling anyhow, so I should strive to be the "better person."
I let these excuses clothing on for over a decade, until one twenty-four hours I realized I needed to make a change.
There was no point in silently wishing this person would exist better, or hoping they would eventually acknowledge I deserved the same respect and support I gave them.
After more than ten years without change, I wondered what on globe I was expecting. Did I think this person would of a sudden have an epiphany, peradventure some other ten years afterward? Gently, slowly, I started to realize that I had to practice something I had never done.
I decided to face up them about it, without aggression or anger. The side by side time they treated me in a fashion that I thought was unacceptable, I would say something. I would let them know that they were existence unfair or unkind. I wouldn't try to sugar glaze it—I would merely be honest about how I felt.
The moment came and I said what I needed to say. I was willing to accept that they may never concord with me or apologize, only I had to exist true to myself. I had to say something, with no expectations—simply a commitment to stand up for myself when information technology was necessary.
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." ~Spencer Johnson
To my great surprise, I received an apology. I would have been okay without information technology—having come to the determination that purely standing upwardly for my beliefs was enough for me—but the heartfelt amends made me realize how unnecessarily I had sacrificed myself and my needs. Since then, my relationship with this person has greatly improved.
I'm not suggesting that we get around telling everybody exactly what nosotros recollect of them all the time, nor am I advocating generating negativity in your relationships over pocket-sized events.
What I'one thousand saying is that if you genuinely feel wronged by somebody else, you are the person responsible for making them aware. It helps the states all when we're willing to teach each other to be better, and not shy away from it because information technology is painful or embarrassing.
The side by side time y'all feel you take been unfairly treated by some other, have these steps to address it:
ane. Remember on it.
Earlier yous confront this person, recall about the state of affairs. Have you lot truly been treated badly? Is there annihilation else that may be contributing to your emotions? Bounce the situation off a trusted friend, with no agenda other than to explore it. Take some fourth dimension to empathise your feelings. If yous still feel the same, you are probably onto something.
two. Consider the triggers.
If you decide that you are being wronged and you lot wish to speak upward, call back well-nigh the situations and encounters with this person that tend to upset you.
What usually triggers you? How do yous feel when they upset you? Do you lot get a sensation of feeling hot or tight in the breast? Information technology's important to explore this, because when you face them you lot demand to be prepared to exercise then calmly and rationally.
If you choose to speak up when you are feeling emotional, you may undermine your bespeak. Be aware of the triggers inside yourself so that y'all tin feel them without letting them control you. The calmer you are, the less likely you are to appear irrational or melodramatic.
3. Set reasonable expectations.
Before you approach the individual, exist prepared for the possibility that you will say your piece and they will disagree with you.
If you go into this with an expectation of an apology or acknowledgement of being in the wrong, y'all may experience like speaking your mind didn't "work." Remember, you are continuing up for yourself to exist truthful to yourself. That's the of import part—which means you need to exist open up to the potential consequences. And you need to know how you will respond if this doesn't pan out as y'all'd hoped.
Be prepared, also, for new information that may make you re-consider your position. Enter the situation with an open-heart, a desire to communicate clearly, and a willingness to find a resolution, if possible.
four. Choose your words carefully.
Know what you are going to say in advance. Be honest and straightforward. In that location's no need to drag up previous incidents; they're non relevant here. Focus on precisely what has happened that has upset y'all and explicate your reasoning.
Listen to their response. If they are willing to engage you on it, exist open to this. Perhaps in that location is something for you to learn. If they answer with anger or assailment, be gentle but firm in your position. Call up, this is an opportunity to stand up for your truth. You will experience proud of yourself if you can exist articulate and honest, fifty-fifty if the effect isn't what y'all hope information technology will be.
Relationships can be difficult. I sympathize with the pain, worry, and anxiety you may experience when communicating your needs to someone you intendance about. It might feel like an impossible challenge, but recall:
"Each fourth dimension nosotros confront a fearfulness, we gain forcefulness, courage, and conviction in the doing." ~Anonymous
About Raeeka
Raeeka is a coach and kundalini yoga instructor who guides people toward creating an intentional life total of meaning, value, and joy. Join her mailing list to proceeds access to her free online community, a bonus guided relaxation audio, and her cheat sheet on the twelve areas of fulfilment to focus on for a blissful life.
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Source: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-simple-tips-for-confronting-someone-who-hurt-you/
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